Doing the Work – Kathy’s Journey of ASP Fall 2021
Logbook: Week One – Vision…and Struggle
So many thoughts about improving and changing what is – rather than simply experiencing what is – as it is – and choosing to step back into the flow of the river. Allowing…allowing…allowing. Enjoying and trusting and remaining curious. Why is this so difficult?
These last couple of days have been a roller coaster of thoughts, moods, and emotions. The struggle is real. There is a reason we “don’t have time” to focus on a program or on our big vision/dream “right now”. The reasons are real – they make sense - and they are okay. And we stay the course of what feels safe, known, seemingly predictable and probable.
We all know if we’ve ever experienced tragic or unexpected loss that it is all an illusion. For me, the biggest gift of losing my husband, John, to a paragliding accident, is that I was forever awakened to this illusion and more importantly to the absolute freedom that comes through letting go completely. Allowing and trusting that on the grandest level, everything is taken care of if we can get out of the way. Easier said than done, but in my case, unforgettable.
As I do the work of week 1 – vision, I find myself struggling – A LOT! The biggest barrier (next to fear of failing, looking bad, and ultimately becoming destitute and homeless – ha ha – not really ha ha!) is the voice of perfection. The driving voice that wants to insist I do my own course perfectly and to a standard much higher than I teach or recommend. This voice wants me to do every possible activity, use every single tool, and then create a beautiful perfect way of sharing it. i.e. I need a professional studio and team on hand to share anything that would meet my own quality standards. WOW! As this comes out, I realize the insanity of it and I realize why our greatest callings remain largely hidden from the world and unexpressed which is the real tragedy. If we each could and would express our most authentic selves, voices, perspectives, vulnerabilities, and innate gifts, I know this world would be a much better place and we would experience more joy and fulfillment.
As I’ve struggled to do my work this week – to be the student of my own program, I am humbled and reminded that it is hard – and that it works. It’s working on me and energy is shifting all around.
When we take bold (or really any) action in the direction of our calling and/or higher purpose, RESISTANCE grows. I think it actually doubles in proportion.
As I’ve been focused on clarifying my own vision around “vocation/life’s work”, here’s what has come up to try and stop me:
But here are some reinforcements that I’m on the right path:
So, as always, polarity exists and asks us to choose, this or that, every moment of our lives.
One of my favorite metaphors came up in a recent conversation around feeling stuck. She mentioned feeling like a buoy out in the water with no attachment to anything safe/known (home, job, relationship, big vision, all up in the air). She’s feeling lost. As I explored this for myself, I recognized that we may experience being a buoy – both lost and alone, as well as anchored. Very unsettling feelings. However, the buoy can provide a safe resting place to wait out any storms – and – we are simply tied to it. We can choose to untie at any moment. And with some vision and an initial roadmap, we can begin to sail peacefully in the direction of our heart.
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