It’s been over a month since I “launched” myself into my own Accelerated Success program. If I stayed the course week by week, I would be five weeks in. And, I have a whole circle of allies watching me succumb to the inner voice of critic, perfectionist, pleaser and terrified little girl. Mother Superior, Polly Perfect, June Cleaver, and Tightrope Walker.
I’ve identified and gotten more in touch with the power, wisdom and ultimate trust of Eagle of Grace and the absolute groundedness of Groot – allowing, not resisting. Present. Unafraid. Centered through the storms. Willing to die as the path to new beginnings.
As I got stuck (seemingly) at week two – Discipline – the wonder and delightful surprises of week three found me anyway. (Week three focuses on Openness and Flexibility.)
It’s working! The process is doing its work and I have been moved from the driver’s seat into the passenger seat. Not the back seat – the passenger seat. I can still see all that is around me, what’s in front of me, what’s calling me forth. But I don’t have a steering wheel or gas pedal and I don’t even have an address to give the driver. Nonetheless, I am moving and being driven by this Divine Driver. Invisible and yet ever present if I slow down and listen for the guidance and direction.
I woke up this morning with the same nagging, disappointed, ashamed, and embarrassed thoughts. An hour before the alarm. Why? Why am I stuck? Why can’t I take the steps in front of me? The simple steps – the small steps. The steps my own coach has helped me identify.
It seems that I’ve been letting go of more and more in terms of the form my vision will take and the timing of its unfolding. It is at the same time so freeing and such a relief to let go of the intense restriction of Tightrope Walker. To taste the true freedom and peace of Eagle of Grace and the deepest trust of Groot. I taste it. And then voices of Mother Superior prevail. Always in the shadows of my mind. The ultimate disappointed and disapproving and even disliking – yet dominant character that always wants to steer from the backseat. She doesn’t want to drive or actually do anything helpful. Her only job in life is to tear me down, hold me back, keep me stuck, keep me small. And she is so dominant – even when she’s using her quiet voice! How many thousands and thousands of dollars I have spent trying to silence her – or even kill her off. Therapy, coaching, personal growth work, 12-step recovery, self-help books, podcasts, videos, and on and on.
I am today finding the invitation from my own Higher Power (Glory of Divine) to Surrender. Absolutely. The way I surrendered (without any conscious choice) when John died. I can close my eyes and be right there. Absolute surrender. Literally brought to my knees. Stripped in one moment of any control or ability to manage a single thing. It was the worst moment of my entire life, and it was the greatest gift of my entire life. Being stripped of any power I thought I had, I had no choice but to fall into the flowing river of life and all that I could not see. I had no choice but to trust that I would be taken of because I simply could not take care of myself.
Today, I find myself longing to return to that state of Grace. But I’d like to go willingly, rather than through tragedy and loss. That’s a harsh pathway. Life has brought me to this moment – to this open door to the Divine. The door is open and has always been open. I walk in sometimes, but mostly I just peek through the doorway and turn around. Today, I want to walk all the way through the doorway and simply surrender to being all that I can BE today. No trying. No posturing. No attachment to what others will think. No caretaking of others. But being my 100% fully caring, loving self. And today I want to practice giving that part of myself to myself. Today I will shine as Lumiere – the part of me that simply burns bright, lighting the way, dancing and flickering with the elements that surround.
So where am I in my own journey of Accelerated Success? I am learning and experiencing that the weeks, the content, the wisdom, the guidance of the program really is phenomenal and so powerful. And I am learning that the unfolding of it has its own timetable and brings forth its own wisdom. My job is to stay open and flexible. Duh. That is “Week Three”.
I have clarity of my vision of the life and ‘work’ that I want to do. And I thought I knew the forms and the priority of the forms. That’s where I got lost and then stuck. As I follow the energy – I am called most to writing and sharing at this moment in time. And I am being asked to slow down the attempts to drive so that I can allow the magic of the Divine to appear and to reveal awareness I could never create or generate through will alone.
What’s been revealed in these last few weeks?
So, while I have been obsessing and self-judging about marketing, perfectly ‘doing’ my program fast to get to the finish line on time and perfectly so I can look good and receive grand accolades – I am actually receiving exactly what I need and exactly what I ask for. Just in different packages. So, I guess I am right where I am supposed to be.
When I woke up today and my mind went off to the races of being a loser, I actually wanted to quit. I wanted to release my circle of women allies because I had turned them/you into a ball and chain. I am releasing the ball and chain of Mother Superior today. She means well and wants to ultimately serve me, but today, she’s going out to the garden to enjoy a different scene than my moment by moment unfolding. I am breathing, opening my heart, allowing my light to shine and taking this day one small step at a time.
Open and flexible. Let the magic continue.
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